For Ana

I’m often wondering if I may go completely and utterly insane one day. It sucks to be completely on top of the world at one moment, and then down in the dumps the next. I feel my depression has been better lately, probably due to the increased exercise, yoga, and meditation. My anxiety is slightly better, but not enough to where I can actually eat in front of people. I feel my body is out of proportion. I feel my stomach getting bigger and bigger everytime I eat. I feel DISGUSTING! My therapist said I should go on zinc because it often helps with eating disorders. I’m just worried if I am “helped” with my ED I will get disgustingly grotesque, like I won’t be able to control myself, and I will binge on whatever I want without the urge to purge all of it back up. I know I’m crazy. The good news is I haven’t purged, and I haven’t even weighed myself. Mostly out of fear. One day I’ll look in the mirror and like the way I look.

The next, I’ll think I’m the most disgusting looking creature ever born. I’m sure this feeds my anxiety about eating in front of people. I just don’t know how to control it without medication. Will this anxiety over eating EVER get better? It’s so confusing and hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have an eating disorder. Sometimes when I’m feeling super depressed, I write poetry that helps me to get my feelings out. I wrote this one a while back:

My hip bones stick out, my ribs I can count.

 I’m no longer a woman, but a child again.

  I hate it. I love it. It’s easy. It’s hard.

 It’s not for the reasons you think you may know.                                                              

 I don’t care about the models.      

I don’t care about the super stars.

 It’s in me and it’s mine.

 It’s my friend and my hatred.

 I can’t let it go. I won’t let it go.

 Endless hours with hunger.

 Food is my only thought.

 Endless hours with cramps from the pills and the purge.

You think I’m so lucky to stay so thin.

It’s work and it’s hard.

 It consumes my whole life.

 Why do I do it?

To one day disappear.

 I’m stronger than you.

You can’t do what I do.

 Endure the pain, the feeling of nausea, the urge to pass out.

My heart beats so fast, but there’s no letting go.

 I’ll look good in the casket.

What a beautiful girl she was.

Why didn’t I know?

You did and you lied.

You didn’t care about me.

You noticed not eating.

You noticed the endless

hours in the bathroom.

You denied what you thought, and complimented me.

You reinforced my behavior.

It was a cry for help.

Help I couldn’t ask for because my enemy was my friend.

I don’t blame you at all.

 You just can’t understand.

 If I could stop I would, or maybe I wouldn’t.

It makes me feel strong as my bones become weaker.

It’s all I’ve come to know.

 But now it’s all over.

 It has consumed me at last.

What else can you do, but look back on my life.

I was beautiful and perfect, disciplined, and unyielding.

For her it’s not too late.

 She won’t ask for help.

She loves it and hates it, but deep down only hates herself.

Please help her.

She won’t want it, but she needs it to live.

 Let her find the world can be happy and fun.

Not counting  calories or pinching your fat.

 Unable to think from lack of nutrition and the weakness it brings.

She can’t help herself.

She’s past that point.

Be there for her so she’s not lost too.

 Show her a better way.

 Show her happiness.

 Please don’t get angry when she’s consumed with her thoughts.

You don’t understand, and she must get it out.

Help before it’s too late.

 I wish I had that before suffering My fate.