For Ana

I’m often wondering if I may go completely and utterly insane one day. It sucks to be completely on top of the world at one moment, and then down in the dumps the next. I feel my depression has been better lately, probably due to the increased exercise, yoga, and meditation. My anxiety is slightly better, but not enough to where I can actually eat in front of people. I feel my body is out of proportion. I feel my stomach getting bigger and bigger everytime I eat. I feel DISGUSTING! My therapist said I should go on zinc because it often helps with eating disorders. I’m just worried if I am “helped” with my ED I will get disgustingly grotesque, like I won’t be able to control myself, and I will binge on whatever I want without the urge to purge all of it back up. I know I’m crazy. The good news is I haven’t purged, and I haven’t even weighed myself. Mostly out of fear. One day I’ll look in the mirror and like the way I look.

The next, I’ll think I’m the most disgusting looking creature ever born. I’m sure this feeds my anxiety about eating in front of people. I just don’t know how to control it without medication. Will this anxiety over eating EVER get better? It’s so confusing and hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have an eating disorder. Sometimes when I’m feeling super depressed, I write poetry that helps me to get my feelings out. I wrote this one a while back:

My hip bones stick out, my ribs I can count.

 I’m no longer a woman, but a child again.

  I hate it. I love it. It’s easy. It’s hard.

 It’s not for the reasons you think you may know.                                                              

 I don’t care about the models.      

I don’t care about the super stars.

 It’s in me and it’s mine.

 It’s my friend and my hatred.

 I can’t let it go. I won’t let it go.

 Endless hours with hunger.

 Food is my only thought.

 Endless hours with cramps from the pills and the purge.

You think I’m so lucky to stay so thin.

It’s work and it’s hard.

 It consumes my whole life.

 Why do I do it?

To one day disappear.

 I’m stronger than you.

You can’t do what I do.

 Endure the pain, the feeling of nausea, the urge to pass out.

My heart beats so fast, but there’s no letting go.

 I’ll look good in the casket.

What a beautiful girl she was.

Why didn’t I know?

You did and you lied.

You didn’t care about me.

You noticed not eating.

You noticed the endless

hours in the bathroom.

You denied what you thought, and complimented me.

You reinforced my behavior.

It was a cry for help.

Help I couldn’t ask for because my enemy was my friend.

I don’t blame you at all.

 You just can’t understand.

 If I could stop I would, or maybe I wouldn’t.

It makes me feel strong as my bones become weaker.

It’s all I’ve come to know.

 But now it’s all over.

 It has consumed me at last.

What else can you do, but look back on my life.

I was beautiful and perfect, disciplined, and unyielding.

For her it’s not too late.

 She won’t ask for help.

She loves it and hates it, but deep down only hates herself.

Please help her.

She won’t want it, but she needs it to live.

 Let her find the world can be happy and fun.

Not counting  calories or pinching your fat.

 Unable to think from lack of nutrition and the weakness it brings.

She can’t help herself.

She’s past that point.

Be there for her so she’s not lost too.

 Show her a better way.

 Show her happiness.

 Please don’t get angry when she’s consumed with her thoughts.

You don’t understand, and she must get it out.

Help before it’s too late.

 I wish I had that before suffering My fate.

How to Die

Not living out your soul’s purpose. That is how you die inside. That is where the depression starts. That is when your heart turns cold. I’ve obviously been reading alot 😊, and I’m going to try pure lavender oil for skin and hair for anxiety,but I have been dancing everyday, even when I feel tired and don’t feel like practicing. And I feel great! This must be my purpose. I’m happier everywhere. Even at my job. Although all I think about is my dance steps and blogging. I’m still more productive, and the day doesn’t drag on. If only I could dance and blog for a living! I haven’t purged or weighed myself. I haven’t counted calories either. I feel ok about my body. I can see my muscles coming back. The depression is so much better! Any tips for anxiety though? It’s better, but I still need something besides popping a clonapin. I know lavender is supposed to help so I ordered the pure lavender oil for skin and hair today. I’ll let you know. Has anyone else tried aroma therapy? I can’t find too much research on it.

Why? Just Why?


Ummmm yeah? Working? Hmmmmm? What have I done? Well I haven’t been able to get up at five. I’m just not that type of person. I’ve heard there are alarm clocks that force you out of bed, but I’ve yet to try that. I really like sleep. I have, however, started doing yoga every day. I haven’t had to take anxiety meds. I’ve been meditating daily. I haven’t been sleeping well though. I need to work on that. Haven’t purged though. Although I haven’t been eating very healthy either, BUT I have been taking vitamins that make me feel better. I still feel angry and fly off the handle sometimes. I need to work on that. I’m still tired ALL the time, AND I’m still sort of depressed like I need some sort of change. I don’t want to go to work every day and not absolutely adore what I do. I want to be normal and happy and joyful. Is it life making me unhappy or me making life unhappy? If I could just sleep when I wanted, worked from home,  and do all of my alternative medicine practices whenever I felt the need, I would feel better right? At least I think so. HELP!!!! Why does happiness allude me no matter what I do? I don’t know if I believe it’s brain chemistry. I know some of it must be, especially the anxiety, but the depression? If life was pretty much the way I wanted it on my terms wouldn’t I be happy?

Ilse Watson

My Bipolar Disorder And Memory Loss

By Ilse Watson

I’ve never needed a diary to keep track of things. Not even when I worked as a personal assistant over many years – although back then I did keep a diary for my boss because it would have been very embarrassing if I forgot something important. But what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t need it – my mind was alert and I was on top of things.

I’ve suffered from depression since my early twenties, but it wasn’t too detrimental. There were many times when I didn’t need any medication.

But then, after a divorce in 2009, I slid back into depression and I experienced a constant downward spiral. By January 2014 (when I was 49), I experienced more than just depression symptoms and so I decided to see a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type I and major depressive disorder.

It wasn’t easy to accept the diagnosis, but I educated myself about my mental illness and took my medications religiously.

During a very difficult time in 2015, I noticed that I’m forgetting things – my short-term memory took a hike. I’ve read up about it and have learned to live with it. I now have to make notes of important things people tell me that I must remember. And when I forget to make notes, I simply have to ask again: “What did you tell me yesterday about your meeting?”, for example.

Bipolar and Memory loss can be a real problem. And to make matters worse, sometimes the cognitive symptoms of bipolar such as memory loss, lack of focus, and fuzzy thinking are made worse by medication.

So why does bipolar disorder create problems with thinking as well as mood?

Memory, attention and concentration can all be disrupted by the same neurotransmitter disturbances that cause mood swings. This undermines our ability to study, to work, and even interferes with personal relationships. However, the better these problems are understood, the easier they are to deal with.

“Many people with bipolar disorder are extremely bright, so memory or other thinking problems can be extremely frustrating and confusing.”

So what can we do about bipolar and memory loss? We can structure tasks to make them easier.

* Take the time to analyse tasks and break them down into small steps. Although this takes time and effort we may feel we just don’t have, it will make life easier in the long run. The idea is to structure things into smaller pieces that put less strain on working memory. Do this in writing. Using index cards can be useful.
* It is much easier to store and retrieve information if our brains already have a context for it. If we go through the steps of anticipating what information a task will require, we have some ideas in advance are less likely to get stressed or overwhelmed.

The good news about bipolar and memory loss is that:

1. For some people, the problem is very mild. Not everyone experiences the same amount of difficulty.
2. Bipolar and memory loss is largely episodic. When episodes of mania and depression abate, so will symptoms like memory loss and other cognitive difficulties. We can reduce the number of episodes we experience and increase the time between relapses. Therefore we can also reduce memory loss.
3. Lithium has been shown to increase gray matter in the brain and improve cognitive functioning.
4. We can interrupt the bipolar and memory loss cycle by reducing stress.
5. Simple tools like lists and calendars can make huge differences. Instead of fighting bipolar and memory loss, accept it may be a problem and plan accordingly.

Memory loss is just one problem – overall impaired cognitive function is also an important factor in bipolar disorder.


You Wanna Know Why You Fucking Suck?

It’s because I never follow through with anything. Besides the fact I’ve been injured and have an overall feeling of shittyness, I’ve done squat to try and make myself better or further my goals. So tomorrow I am starting my 30 day unfuck myself challenge. I WILL get up at 5 and exercise. I WILL go to bed by 9. I WILL eat nutritional foods without purging. I WILL meditate daily. I WILL practice yoga at least twice a week. And I WILL add a new alternative treatment weekly until I see results. Oh man! Say a prayer. I’m the queen of quitters.


The Evolving Red Lotus

Recently, I reached out to The Evolving Red Lotus  for a different perspective on the use of alternative medicine to heal mental health. Please visit her website for our interview on her journey. My interview is as follows:

What mental health illnesses have you been diagnosed with?

Bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, Anorexia B/P sub type, OCD

In what ways have these illnesses changed your life?

I often avoid situations because of uneasiness. I have spent times of my life wanting to do nothing more than sleep all day. I have also had suicide attempts causing me physical injury that resulted in hospitalization.

When did your symptoms first begin? Were there any triggers?

I remember being extremely OCD about my appearance around 10. Around 12 I started finding it hard to eat meals in front of anyone and began my first diet. My mother has extreme anxiety and I may have fed off of her panic and anxiety.

Are you prescribed medications? If so do you feel they are working?

Yes. I take 2 antidepressants, a mood stabilizer, and an antianxiety medication. I feel like they help to an extent. However, I only feel like they allow me to survive and not to actually live.

What outlets do you have that help you control your symptoms?

Sleep is a big one, although I’m told not helpful. I like to exercise and dance, however, also not a great outlet if dealing with ED symptoms. Sometimes I journal or write poetry.

Are you an advocate of Alternative Medicine and if so what practices have you tried?

Yes definitely. I started meditating nightly, which I have found is beginning to calm me down. I have tried acupuncture in the past which helped with pain issues I was having. I recently tried Reiki and was amazed at the pain relief I received.

Do you think there will ever be a time when you are free from pharmaceuticals/ therapy and can live free from your illnesses?

I hope so. This is what I am attempting with this journey. I don’t want to live on medications forever. I want to be healthy and I truly believe that can be accomplished in a natural way.

How do you feel your blog will benefit others with similar problems?

I want to share experiences and give hope to others who are not finding the relief they seek. I want to show that life can get better and become normal and happy again.

Where do you see yourself in five years in terms of your mental health?

I honestly see myself off of all my meds and living a very happy and fulfilling life where I take the time daily to reflect within, do meditations, and take time out to focus on my own wellbeing.

If there is any advice you could give others with similar issues, what would it be?

Never go off of your medications or ignore your doctor’s advice. However, you need to question EVERYTHING. If you aren’t getting the results or answers you need, seek them out, find another doctor, don’t be afraid to ask for a medication change. Look into holistic alternatives, but don’t start or stop anything without consulting your physician.

Overall, in trying to transform your life, what have you learned about yourself?

I’m just starting. Sometimes I feel like I’m stronger than I thought I ever could be, other times I feel like a frail puddle of water. I’m not sure what I’ve learned as of yet. I want to think I can do anything, but other times I just want to curl up on my couch and sleep.

Any final thoughts?

This journey is hard, and not fun. You have to want a change for yourself in order for anything to work. If you don’t want it, no one can want it for you.


I’m trying this tomorrow. I have to admit I am extremely skeptical. It seems strange to me and I’m not exactly sure what to expect. There are supposed to be all these rules to follow before a session. Of course I’ve followed few of them. No chocolate? That’s not even right. Who makes these rules? I have meditated though and limited eating animal products. Not drinking coffee is a no go. Anyway let’s see how this works. 🤔


Maybe I just need structure. Like wake up and meditate, do yoga, exercise. I’m so not a morning person, but I have no more time during the day. It’s my job right now. It’s not my path, but I feel too old and untalented to pursue what I really want. Do you think setting intentions and manifestations really work? Maybe I’ll try that during my meditation. I missed 8 days of Deepak so I won’t get the whole 21 days in. I’ll just do it on my own. Schedule it is. Starting tomorrow…..I think.